Religion with a sense of humour
and a feel good factor - Page 2
Look out for more next week
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What more could you ask for?
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!
This is an audio file
and well worth a listen - it's hilarious!
This is by a young Irish girl who phoned a radio station
and was so good they got her to do a spoof call.
Just click on the link above
Advice for Teenagers?
I often wondered .......
It's finally happened!
After Mass , a few weeks ago, a little boy told the preacher,
'When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money.' 'Well, thank
you,' the preacher replied, 'but why?' 'Because my daddy says
you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had.'
Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, 'After a worship service at
First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a
fidgety seven-year-old boy told me how she finally got her son
to sit still and be quiet. About halfway through the sermon,
she leaned over and whispered, 'If you don't be quiet, Pastor
Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his
sermon all over again!' It worked.'
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read
her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes
off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was
alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally
she spoke up, 'Grandpa, did God make you?'
'Yes, sweetheart' he answered, 'God made me a long time ago.'
'Oh,' she paused, 'Grandpa, did God make me too?'
'Yes, indeed, honey,' he said, 'God made you just a little while
ago.' Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, 'God's
getting better at it, isn't he?
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground,
Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly,
the Sunday School teacher said, 'Bobby, when I was a child,
I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I
would stay like that.' Bobby looked up and replied, 'Well, Ms
Smith, you can't say you weren't warned'.
A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and
'You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want
is yours for the asking.'
The cat thought for a minute and then said,
'All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors.
I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.'
God said, 'Say no more.' Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy
A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and
they all went to Heaven together.
God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He
made to the cat
The mice said, 'Well, we have had to run all of our lives:
from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms!
If we could just have some little roller skates, we would
not have to run again.'
God answered, 'It is done.' All the mice had beautiful little
About a week later, God decided to check on the cat.
He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow.
God gently awakened the cat and asked, 'Is everything okay?
How have you been doing? Are you happy?'
The cat replied, 'Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been
so happy in my life.
The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels
you have been sending over are delicious!'
Hey we need a cute one every once in awhile.
(even if we like mice!)
Gems of Wisdom
with a touch of Humour
An Inuit hunter asked the local missionary priest: "If I
did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?" "No,"
said the priest, "not if you did not know."
why," asked the Inuit earnestly, "did you tell me?"
How many observe Christ's birthday! How few his precepts!
O! 'tis easier to keep holidays than commandments.
Hate the sin and love the sinner.
Mohandas K. Gandhi
It is easy enough to be friendly to one's friends.
But to befriend the one who regards himself as your enemy is
the quintessence of true religion.
The other is mere business.
Mohandas K. Gandhi
God is dead. -- Nietzsche
Nietzsche is dead. – God
The biblical account of Noah's Ark and the Flood is perhaps
the most implausible story for fundamentalists to defend. Where,
for example, while loading his ark, did Noah find penguins and
polar bears in Palestine?
It is wonderful how much time good people spend fighting the
devil. If they would only expend the same amount of energy loving
their fellow men, the devil would die in his own tracks of ennui.
When I do good, I feel good; when I do bad, I feel bad, and
that is my religion.
God listens to knee-mail.
Methodist Church of Valley Forge
The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful
and has nobody to thank.
If two philosophers agree, one is not a philosopher.
If two saints disagree, one is not a saint.
There is a story, which is fairly well known, about when the
missionaries came to Africa. They had the Bible and we, the
natives, had the land. They said "Let us pray," and
we dutifully shut our eyes. When we opened them, why, they now
had the land and we had the Bible.
Desmond M. Tutu
What a Sermon!
Congregation staggered by recent sermon
Just some of the reaction to the sermon
"Never heard a sermon like it"
12 year old:
"So much better without the Mike"
"Only fell asleep once"
" You Tube would love this"
"Where's the nearest Kirk?"
Young Mother: "My 4 year old only went to the toilet
Elderly Parishioner: "My husband only went to the toilet
We are sure that you have come across our extremely successful
products already. Among our lines are cardboard police cars
to discourage speeding, and cardboard policemen to deter shoplifters,
as well as other standard lines.
Following on the success of these we are pleased to announce
that we can now supply cardboard clergy ...
The cardboard Priest is invaluable to hard-pressed clergy who
need a holiday. It is life-sized and comes in progressive, middle-of-the-road
and the Tridentine models. It is especially effective when stood
behind the lectern. Field trials have shown that when a cardboard
Priest was installed without the congregation knowing, forty
per cent of those later questioned had noticed no difference,
while twenty-five per cent said there had been a considerable
Soon we hope to have available a cardboard Bishop which can
be placed in the diocese while the real bishop is away in Rome.
Trial models have been installed for some time in the Bishops'
Conference without being detected. One is even said to have
made a short excellent speech, which was actually related to
Work on the cardboard Dean has unfortunately been abandoned.
Market research demonstrated that since nobody actually wants
the real thing there would therefore not be much demand for
the cardboard substitute.
Our cardboard congregation is however now on the market, and
selling well. Its response to homilies is indistinguishable
from the real thing, and it has the positive advantage that
when volunteers are called for nobody makes a dash for the door.
In some churches there has even been a marked improvement in
We recommend our quality products for your consideration and
hope that you will find that they are just what you have been
Slow down Father! We're still in Asda car park!
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